That sudden feeling you feel late at night, the sudden feeling of loneliness. My mind just suddenly decided to pop out "What if's". And it makes me miss someone. Like miss, miss. I have not been really open about my previous relationship but yeah. Guess I'll blog about it (can't sleep now).

So here goes. I met him (I probably shouldn't mention names) when I was 15 years old in RYLA camp (Interact camp). He is, I would say a smart, stubborn, nice, adorable, funny & random guy. Well I didn't realise his existence until the last night where we all didn't sleep and just hangout. RYLA camp's are always full with friends from all over. This was pan-Borneo so it's just Sabah & Sarawak. Yes, he is from Sarawak.

Long distance. Never in my mind have I ever think of being in one. It all started after camp of course. Those texts & calls. We did not know each other before but it feels like we know each other forever already, yeah that feeling. It was my first time being in a relationship where I really love someone and feel loved. Since it was long distance, it is also one or the hardest thing ever. Those who are reading this and is in a long distance relationship, you'll get through it. It's hard but at the end of the day, it will be worth it. LDR needs a lot of trust, patience and you have to be strong. Without trust, it won't last even for a month.

In my story, it lasted around 18 months for some specific reason. I would be lying if I said i'm happy because it ended. It is also one of the hardest phase to go through in a long distance relationship. When you're attach to a person who became part of your daily routine and it suddenly stopped, it feels like everything changed, the world just stopped and your life became blank. well that's what I felt. I don't know what to feel, it hurts, I can't stop thinking about it at night, it was so hard to sleep at that time and so many more. There was a few time where I accidentally wanted to text or whatsapp him about something nice or bad or good that happened to me. Then I realise I can't do that anymore.

It sucks. I admit it sucks not having someone to talk to especially when you had a tiring day and you just wanna wrap yourself in the blanket and talk to that person. If you ask me if I ever regret saying yes to him the answer will always be no. No regrets because he has proven to me that unconditional love exists and that someone is able to love and care for you so much if you just let him. This relationship really taught me a lot of life lessons. He is what made me who I am now.

Do I miss having him nagging me around, talking to him late at night like there's no tomorrow, calming me down when I'm panicking for no reason, waking up to his morning texts, waiting for the time to pass so that we can skype, those random 'I love you's', annoy the crap out of him,complaining to someone, the birthday surprises he did/gave despite our distance, telling lame jokes and all those little things? Well of course I do, but that's life; you can't be happy forever. Sometimes you just gotta be independent and strong for the sake of yourself. I'm blessed to have such amazing friends, classmates & families around me now. They are what makes me smile now and I'm okay with that.

Sometimes I wonder will I ever be able to love again.