School is starting back tomorrow and there's exactly 80 more days to SPM. Am I ready? lol obviously not. Before this holiday, I told myself that I have to make full use of it by studying. Well that's what most of us said. I didn't really make use of my holidays to study; maybe for some other things. I mean, I did study, but it's like tuitions; long hours of tuition. I guess it's better than nothing right? It's a nice holiday I guess, spent it with friends & well yeah mostly friends.

The whole two weeks, I have sleeping like after 12am, which is not good. Scary imaginations keep running through my head. I overthink. I can think about a really simple thing and then it becomes like super complicated. Most of the thoughts are of course about the future.

F u t u r e.
90% of people that I met in my daily life would ask me "what are you planning to do after SPM?" I'll most probably be in KL (the place that I hope I won't have to be in after form 5) as the course that I want to pursue in is only available there; TarCollege. I would of course prefer to be nearer to home like maybe in Sarawak or just stay in KK for another year but unfortunately, I have no choice. TarCollege is linked to Liverpool college so I must not think negatively about it. Am I ready to be independent? Of course not. Thank God Trini & Tiana might also be going there. YAY APARTMENT-MATES. When the time comes, I know I'll be able to be independent. I mean, I have no other choice right?  






June is ending soon and July is kicking in (I love July). Probably because it's like the middle of the year, and there's a lot of things that is going to happen; 7K run (but I heard it's gonna be on September), school's concert, Mel's birthday party (!), my birthday & some little things. July is always the best month for me. 






Mid-terms are over. Having the holidays now but do I really feel like having one? NO. Knowing that there's 164 more days to SPM. I can't really feel the freedom, yet. It's gonna be June in a few more days, and my school's sports day is coming up as well as Bakat Interact.

Our sports day is going to be four days after school reopens. Yeah, whose great idea was that? Like four days after the holidays. As a senior in the school, I'm in charge of my the marching team for orange (yes, i'm in orange team). Me and a few of my friends. So we wholeheartedly offered to train them on the holidays. Honestly speaking, I don't know how to teach/train those kids. I don't even know the arahan and stuff. Luckily I have Diana with me. I can't even be strict to those kids, I'm too fond to them and I can't scold people that easily. Just hoping more than half would turn up this Wednesday. That is one of my holiday plan, spending time in school.

Secondly, I and a few of my friends are dealing with a very irresponsible person who doesn't seem to bother replying our texts & calls when clearly, IT'S IMPORTANT. Okay I don't wanna elaborate so much on this issue. but only God knows how much hatred there is in me now.

This morning, I went to the suppose to be 6 hours driving talk + workshop in ADC. But it was only like 3 hours? The van that picked me up was filled with scary looking people. I swear I wanted to cry because I was all alone. Well after he picked me, he was suppose to fetch my friend. But still, it's scary being in a van with people you don't know. The class started off with the lecturer being all so scary. He was literally scolding the whole class but I can see it was because of one good reason la. He was saying how dangerous it is on the road now and showed us some photos that I DON'T WANNA SEE D; Kinda freaked out on driving right now. He didn't really bore us with those boring driving slideshows.

ok time for some pictures.



It was just a week ago, where all of us woke up so early in the morning feeling nauseous, panick & happy at the same time. It was the best IU Day for most of us (maybe because it's the first time ever that we participated heh).

That sudden feeling you feel late at night, the sudden feeling of loneliness. My mind just suddenly decided to pop out "What if's". And it makes me miss someone. Like miss, miss. I have not been really open about my previous relationship but yeah. Guess I'll blog about it (can't sleep now).

So here goes. I met him (I probably shouldn't mention names) when I was 15 years old in RYLA camp (Interact camp). He is, I would say a smart, stubborn, nice, adorable, funny & random guy. Well I didn't realise his existence until the last night where we all didn't sleep and just hangout. RYLA camp's are always full with friends from all over. This was pan-Borneo so it's just Sabah & Sarawak. Yes, he is from Sarawak.

Long distance. Never in my mind have I ever think of being in one. It all started after camp of course. Those texts & calls. We did not know each other before but it feels like we know each other forever already, yeah that feeling. It was my first time being in a relationship where I really love someone and feel loved. Since it was long distance, it is also one or the hardest thing ever. Those who are reading this and is in a long distance relationship, you'll get through it. It's hard but at the end of the day, it will be worth it. LDR needs a lot of trust, patience and you have to be strong. Without trust, it won't last even for a month.

In my story, it lasted around 18 months for some specific reason. I would be lying if I said i'm happy because it ended. It is also one of the hardest phase to go through in a long distance relationship. When you're attach to a person who became part of your daily routine and it suddenly stopped, it feels like everything changed, the world just stopped and your life became blank. well that's what I felt. I don't know what to feel, it hurts, I can't stop thinking about it at night, it was so hard to sleep at that time and so many more. There was a few time where I accidentally wanted to text or whatsapp him about something nice or bad or good that happened to me. Then I realise I can't do that anymore.

It sucks. I admit it sucks not having someone to talk to especially when you had a tiring day and you just wanna wrap yourself in the blanket and talk to that person. If you ask me if I ever regret saying yes to him the answer will always be no. No regrets because he has proven to me that unconditional love exists and that someone is able to love and care for you so much if you just let him. This relationship really taught me a lot of life lessons. He is what made me who I am now.

Do I miss having him nagging me around, talking to him late at night like there's no tomorrow, calming me down when I'm panicking for no reason, waking up to his morning texts, waiting for the time to pass so that we can skype, those random 'I love you's', annoy the crap out of him,complaining to someone, the birthday surprises he did/gave despite our distance, telling lame jokes and all those little things? Well of course I do, but that's life; you can't be happy forever. Sometimes you just gotta be independent and strong for the sake of yourself. I'm blessed to have such amazing friends, classmates & families around me now. They are what makes me smile now and I'm okay with that.

Sometimes I wonder will I ever be able to love again.
This week went by pretty fast. Got back my test results and very stressed about IU Day. Things and plans keep changing. So much to do, so little time. IU Day is a competition among interact clubs from different schools where we choose a country to represent and show their culture; dance, fashion, foods & etc. 16 more days and we still have a lot to do.